living (breathing, showering, peeing, vomming) with the other half

Last year I was lucky enough to go travelling with my (then) other half which was honestly one of the best opportunities and experiences you can ever have. Nothing says true love like waking up with bed bug bites all over and an armpit fresh from a night without air con in your face. When people ask, we tell the romantic “how we met” story that was a deserted island in Vietnam; he was the island bear, I was the innocent half Asian who he tried to seduce with moonlight skinny dipping, a bowl of Pho and eventually a Zac Efron movie... yeah, yeah you get the picture. 

And yes of course it’s ridiculously romantic to run away around the other side of the world with a hunky American. And yes, look at all the great places we went to... HOWEVER, (and I do not let this dilute how magical it all was) there’s something those romantic novels don’t tell you about. And anyone who has lived with their other half can vouch for it. Living with the other half, especially twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, it’s enough to drive anyone a little barmy. (well mainly if you’ve been stuck with me) You’ve got to find your FLOW. It’s not like those romantic weekends away to the countryside in your little convertible MG, no... SHIT GETS REAL.

So here are the brilliant, and not so brilliant things I enjoyed about being with my other half TWENTY FOUR HOURS A DAY....

you can't escape from food poisoning when living
with the other half... beware what you eat!

1. I still like to pretend that I don’t go to the toilet when it comes to a boyfriend. But this goes both ways. Obviously no one wants to be doing you biznizz while your gal or guy is in the next room wondering what all that sound is about. Here’s a tip, music, just blast that baby up, pretend you’re having a boogie and then sneak off to the bathroom. Run the taps full on and shower if necessary.
2. Sort of similar to #1, Food (and alcohol) poisoning. I got food poisoning SO much in Asia. Not going to lie, that is NEVER going to make you seem attractive. “Hi, I’m Melanie and obviously I ate something dodgy but yeah let’s snuggle...” NO. You can’t hide running to the bathroom every five minutes. And really, no one wants to go anywhere near your vommy mouth. Get some gum and a good book, it will be a long day. Maybe just bring a pillow in and sleep in the bath.
3. Being really boring. I’m not going to lie; I find it hard to be as interesting as I obviously am. It takes a lot of hard work, and sometimes I just want to mong out in front of an episode or five of Bones. Or just not talk for a really really long time. I think a good relationship is one where you learn not to talk for a really, really long time and it be OK. That sounds like heaven to me. 
4. A problem particular to myself. I have a selective memory. I remember when you leave the toilet seat up or you don’t pay me the minimum of five compliments a day that I need to survive, but I completely forget that I’ve told you that story about when I went to that really exciting shop and I fell over in front of that really famous person, about TEN TIMES. 

   

   
   

5. Ugly. I get ready pretty quickly... But I’m the first to admit, I don’t look like my profile picture after a few too many margaritas, sunburn, mosquito bites and a 14 hour bus journey through the wilderness... Lucky for him he looks OK... in fact that musty look is doing a lot for me... However, rj0[q9ueq832hrnbfionwq (which is a letter representation of how I look in the morning) is probably doing nothing for him.   
6. Similar to being ugly... Smelling ugly. There are only so many times I could wake up before him to brush my teeth so that he thought I didn’t get morning breath....And Mitchum, you may say 48h protection but there is some doubt over that. My tip is to hide the boy’s deodorant and toothbrush... You will have to put up with a bit of extra pong but he’s going to think you smell like a bed of daisies, which is the ultimate aim.
7. I’m like a child/baby: if I’m tired, hungry or too hot/cold I am an absolute nightmare... combine the three and you may as well go out for the day love... Everyone gets so fucking annoying that you can't stand to see their face anymore and you just want to shove their head down the toilet and keep flushing (or in Asia's case, keep tipping buckets of water in it).. but it's NATURAL to feel that way... Take a time out... Punch a wall... Then snuggle and make up. 

   

   I'm simultaneously protecting his identity and making him
   seem REAL creepy looking

    
8. Hiding the psycho jealous girlfriend. I try my best to reel psycho jealous girlfriend in during real life... I’ve mastered biting my lip if the girl at the bar is making googly eyes at my boyf. However, i can’t go for more than a couple of hours before she takes over. And sometimes people on holiday are like... I don’t know they just forget about the real rules of life. BUT my psycho jealous girlfriend still prevails. HELLO. It’s OBVIOUS we are together.   TRAVELLING. TOGETHER. Why are you touching my MAAAAN BIITTCCCH. (that’s how my inner monologue goes) NO I don’t want a weird threesome with you. To be fair, come on’s were mainly from prostitutes and transvestite prostitutes... but still...
9. IT IS SO HOT IN ASIA. Even with a fan, I would wake up and have to peel myself off the mattress (if you can call it a mattress)... too hot for snuggles guys .. I’m a little radiator myself so I MUST CALL DIBS ON BIG SPOON. The big spoon-little spoon dynamic is very important in a relationship. It really is something you need to bring up on a first date. And I just can’t accept not being the big spoon. 
10. One last thing... it doesn't make you closer if you pee in front of each other, or together, or whatever. I don't know where people got that idea. Just... just don't. 

Yes, living with the other half can be difficult but it's all about understanding and respecting each other's boundaries. Yes, it's OK if you shower in front of me, of course it is, no, don't shave your legs in front of him. Yes, it's OK if you're sick I will nurse you back to health, however, as soon as you vomit on me this relationship is over.